During my quiet time over the weekend, I was thinking about the men that have been in my life and how they somehow influenced my adulthood. My husband and I have been really struggling in our marriage, one reason being...opposite lifestyles. The lack of communication, neglect, the misunderstanding of what real love is, seeing no real growth in our relationship. I begin to think that maybe I’m requiring too much from my husband because of the lack of relationships I had with my dad and stepdad. Maybe I’m trying to fill voids that only God can heal.🤔
My dad (RIP) wasn’t fully present in my life. However, I could always expect a card and cash for my birthday and Christmas like clockwork. And when I became a mother, I started to receive cards from him on this day as well. I guess this was his way of showing his love for me. It’s said, “communication goes both ways.” I could have reached out to him when I grew older but I didn’t. There was no father- daughter relationship as a child so when I became an adult we remained distant until he became sick 2013. The relationship was still strange but I was able to share my feelings with him, care for him and forgive him. My dad not being present brought about feelings of neglect, feeling unloved and unwanted, feelings I am now experiencing with my husband. But I also had an opportunity to learn that my dad was dealing with his own issues like depression and alcoholism. I thank God for the little time I had with my dad until he passed in 2014 and all the good things I learned about him at the funeral. He was a good man.
My stepdad (RIP) was cool until the day he sexually assaulted me at the age of twelve. For me, I couldn’t stay quiet even though I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. I had to say something because I knew it wasn’t right and if I kept quiet, it may have continued. Saying something was part of my healing process. My stepdad brought feelings of shame (although it wasn’t my fault), mistrust and betrayal, feelings I have experienced with my husband because of an affair. I cannot recall if I ever told my stepdad personally that I forgave him but in my heart he was forgiven. #metoo
Do you see the pattern yet?
Getting married, I thought I was safe from experiencing those negative feelings again. I thought when he said, “he would love and cherish me” that it was sincere. But in his reality, he is loving me to the level of what love means to him. When you haven’t experienced Christ for yourself, when you have no knowledge or understanding of Biblical love, you can only love a person by how the world defines love, which is not love at all. Over the years, I have put too much pressure on my husband. How can he give me something he has never experienced himself? Listen, I really got that revelation over the weekend. I’ve been in God’s Word every day, feeding my spirit to fight and live. I have experience so much neglect and loneliness in my marriage, I told myself this year would be different. Instead of dwelling on what isn’t and whose not present, I would focus more on my relationship with the Lord. Yes, it hurts not having the relationship I desire with my husband but just like I survived then, I will survive now. Whatever God has for this union, will be. I can’t change him but I can change my outlook on the situation because I serve a God who can do the impossible. I can pray. I can encourage. I can love my husband. I can be the light in my home since I carry The Light.
I thank God for loving me, for being my father and for caring for me. There’s no love like a Father’s love towards His daughter. He has loved me through it all. He watched over me like a Father should, even when I didn’t know He was there, He was there.
To every wife reading this, God loves you and He is there. I know you’re tired. I know you want things to be better. Hold on! God is going to do exactly what He promised. We do not know the day or the hour, we just trust that He has already made a way. I encourage you to get in the Word and stay in the Word. Pray! for your husband, for strength, for unity, for peace, for understanding. Whatever you need, God’s got it! and I don’t say that lightly.
Your marriage matters to God and he has not forgotten about you or me. Everything that is taking place is part of the process, the good, the bad and the ugly. Do something different. React different. Respond different. Be The Light in your home, be different.